1. tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

    My laptop. Uh, durrr.

    8 months ago  /  0 notes

  2. I just saw… THE EXPENDABLES

    You know how you go see some action movies and you spend the next few hours leaping around your house doing fake martial arts to high energy 80’s music? You know how much fun it is to get that action movie rush? Do you like storylines that make you think, but can drop all that sissy brain crap to blow the hell outta something?!

    Then the Expendables is not the film for you.

    I had high hopes going into see this film. Loads of actions stars were in it, and the trailer showed one explosion after another. And you know how us guys get when we see explosions. Excited to say the least. But as the film droned on, I got more and more lackluster. How could a film that had gotten it’s own panel at Comic-Con be this boring? Where does that leave us for The Green Hornet? Or, God help me, the Avengers?

    The film was so boring, I can’t even begin to describe what happened. Lucky for you, I’m going to go through all the characters and acting stuff later. Maybe in there, you’ll get some understanding of what the film was about. You don’t even get a stand out performance this time, cuz the movie sucked. I hear it was a good homage to movies like this from the 70’s and 80’s, but I wasn’t even alive then. You need to entertain me now, now thirty and forty years ago. Lookin’ at you, Stallone.

    The basic plot is that a team of mercenaries, called the Expendables (See, that’s why the movie is called the Expendables), get a job from a man named Mr. Church to go kill a dictator named General Garza in a foreign country. Either Stallone is really clever and made up a fake country, or really dumb and didn’t know a real one, cuz the place is called Vilena, off the Gulf of Mexico. They should’ve just lit all the BP oil on fire and torched the place. But who am I to criticize? It turns out that Mr. Church may be CIA and the real target may not be Garza, but ex-CIA agent, James Munroe (Eric Roberts). And since the CIA can’t take out their own, they must hire outside mercenary forces.

    Those. Tricky. CIA. Bastards.

    Sooo… Yeah. They go in and shoot things and blow them up. Then they leave. And have a knife-throwing contest in their garage lair and ride away on their motorcycles. I’m serious. That’s the entire freakin’ movie.

    Sylvester Stallone (Rocky, First Blood) wrote, starred in, and directed the Expendables, so if you need someone to write to, write him. His character is named Barney Rubble Ross. Ross leads the Expendables and falls in like with their tour guide on the island. WHO HAPPENS TO BE THE DICTATOR’S DAUGHTER! Did M. Night Shamalamadingdong have anything to do with this movie? Cuz there was a big ol’ freakin’ twist! Now, if he wrote this movie, I assume he named some of the characters. For that, shame on him. Such as

    Lee Christmas, played by Jason Statham (Crank, The Transporter series) was just one example of silly naming. It gets much worse. I get that Statham is a big action star and it was cool to have him in this movie, but come on, Statham! You can do better! I saw Death Race and it kicked ass. This, on the other hand… What. Were. You. Thinking.

    Jet Li (The One, Lethal Weapon 4) did actually get to kick a little ass as Yin Yang, the team’s Asian Guy. His fight scene with Dolph Lundgren is one of the few times the movie picks up. But his name is Yin Yang, so he’s a joke.

    Randy Couture plays Toll Road, a name so ridiculous, that only a character with stupid lines should have it. Good thing he has such stupid lines. The only time that he has dialogue that I can remember is when he is talking about his cauliflower ear, as if I even know, or care to know what that means.

    Terry Crews (White Chicks, The Lottery Ticket) is actually a decent character as Hale Ceasar, another stupid name. By decent, I mean his gun actually splits people in half, so that’s fun to watch. Other than that… Nothing.

    Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke are barely in the movie, and the latter is only a guy who hangs out in his garage, tattooing one letter at a time on Stallone’s back.

    All in all.. This movie was awful. Just… awful.

    The non-expendable, non-refundable, non-returnable,

    Terrance Crawford.

    Oh, yeah. And somewhere in there Charisma Carpenter gets beat up? Cordelia wouldn’t have stood for that shit.

    1 year ago  /  0 notes

  3. I just saw… THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE

    First, let me apologize for the change in format. In my first few posts, I put the movie’s poster before I began my review, but recently, when I preview, that picture just shows up as a little red ‘X’. The videos don’t show either, but I have more confidence that they are actaully there.

    The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is a family film. Let’s just get that out there. Something that you’d take your kids to see because you still don’t know what the hell Salt is about and because you know they aren’t going to sit through Inception. That being said, it’s not a bad film.

    The plot revolves around Merlin’s apprentice, Balthazar Blake, played by Nicholas Cage. Blake has spent the last thousand years tracking down bad sorcerer’s and trapping them inside a magical nesting doll called the Grimhold. Two of it’s occupants include one of the Merlin’s other apprentices, Horvath (Alfred Molina) who had sided with another occupant, Morgana.

    Too bad that the third of Merlin’s apprentices had absorbed Morgana into her own body so that Morgana couldn’t do any more wicked deeds. Ha! Crazy kids and their magic.

    Soooo… fast forward about a thousand years, and Balthazar’s looking for an apprentice. But not just any apprentice. Oh, no. He’s looking for the “Prime Merlinian”. That’s right. The Chosen One. The one person who can defeat Morgana, make everything better, and restore balance to the Force. 

    Alright. So that’s the plot. Oh, by the way? People keep messing with the nesting doll and evil sorcerers from all over the place keep popping up and causing trouble. Cuz that’s what evil sorcerers do. Cuz they don’t have hobbies.

    The Prime Merlinian turns out to be Dave. Cool magic name, huh? Merlin. Morgana. Balthazar. Horvath. Dave.

    One of these kids is not like the other!

    Jay Baruchel (Tropic Thunder, Million Dollar Baby), who plays Dave, I suppose is supposed to be aloof and an everyman, but often just comes off as annoying. With about fifteen minutes left in the movie, his voice becomes a little grating. But it’s okay, because it’s mostly just a big fight scene from there, anyway.

    Nicholas Cage (Raising Arizona, Con-Air) working with the same director and producer as he did in National Treasure, unfortunately does not give off the same aura of excitement as he brought to those films. People say that he just thinks of this as a badly-needed paycheck, but I don’t think an actor of his caliber thinks of any job as just a paycheck. The writing for his part was a little flat, and there’s nothing an actor can do with awful writing.

    Alfred Molina (The Tempest, The Da Vinci Code) DOES make a convincing bad guy. Let me get that out there. But I liked him better in Spider-Man 2. Maybe because I’m a HUGE nerd, but I like to think it’s because you see the evolution from scientist to villain in Spidey 2. In Apprentice, you’re told he’s a bad guy and you’ll damn well like it.

    My standout actor (this is becoming a bit, isn’t it?) was Toby Kebbel (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, RocknRolla) who played some kind of… I don’t even know how to describe it. But it was brilliant. He was kind of like Horvath’s assistant, but he acted less like Merlin, and more like Criss Angel.

    Supporting characters were cool and all. Alice Krige (Reign of Fire, The Calling) was a very imposing Morgana. Just wish she could have been in a few more scenes to make her menace really established. And we all know she can be menacing. Because she’s the EFFING BORG QUEEN. How’s that for menace? Resistance was futile!

    Monica Belluci (The Matrix sequels, Tears of the Sun) was severely underused. As a talented actress, it seems like her only directions were “Hey! Stand over there and look hot! Hotter! A liiiiittle less hot. Perfect!”

    Apprentice tries to cast a big spell and ends up being charming. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And for those of you asking, yes. It is very loosely based on that scene from Fantasia. And there’s a nod to that in the film.

    Robert Downey Jr.’s illegitimate apprentice,

    Terrance Crawford

    1 year ago  /  0 notes

  4. I just saw… INCEPTION

    “Dreams feel real when we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was strange.”

    You’re tellin’ me.

    As Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio speaks those words, a chill makes it’s way down your spine. And the movie’s just getting started. Unlike other reviews I’ve seen about this film, I’m going to try to stay away from plot synopsis. First off, I don’t want to spoil anything in this film, and second… I couldn’t explain it well if I tried. Such is the brilliance of Inception.

    In Inception, Leonardo DiCaprio (Titanic) stars as Cobb, a man whose job us to break into people’s unconscious minds and steal their secrets. A job at which is very good. His right hand man is Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), who is the angel on the shoulder to Cobb’s devil. When a man (Ken Watanabe) hires Cobb and Arthur for a new job, they must to put together a team for the most complicated job they’ve ever done.

    And that’s when the fun starts.

    Because this time they aren’t breaking into a mind to steal something. They are breaking in to plant a new idea, in a process known as inception. Usually, to steal things, Cobb and Arthur only need to dig in one dream. However, this inception job necessitates a dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream. Unfortunately, the deeper the dream state, the more fragile it is, and more likely to collapse. For this job, Cobb needs only the best of the best. So he takes along with him Ariadne (Ellen Page), whom he trains to craft dreams, to build them from nothing, as well as  Eames, who can shapeshift once inside someone’s dream. With all their skill, they must plant a single idea inside of the head of Robert Fisher Jr. (Cillian Murphy).

    Throughly confused yet?

    Alright. Now that we’ve gotten the plot out of the way, we can begin to discuss the good stuff. The acting was phenomenal. DiCaprio’s Cobb is a brooding, sometimes shell of a man, who somehow manages to lead a band of misfits on a mission into the mind, all the while battling his personal demons. His wife, Mal (Marion Cotillard)’s death still haunts him, as does the fact that he cannot see his children until he completes this last job.

    Joseph Gordon-Levitt ((500) Days of Summer, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, 3rd Rock From the Sun), was actually a surprise in a leading role. I have not yet seen (500) Days of Summer, so the closest to a lead I’ve seen him was as Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe. But he handled himself very well. As Inception shows, he’s well on his way to becoming Hollywood A-List, if he’s not there already. Marion Cotillard brought a dash of menace to Mal, which is all I can say without feeling like I’ve given away too much detail. Bitch is crazy!

    And now for my standout players. Ellen Page (Whip It, Smart People). Brilliant actress. And she’s come a long way since playing Shadowcat in X-Men: The Last Stand. And yes, that’s the first thing that popped into my head because I’m a nerd cool as hell. We all know that she was brilliant in Juno, but she may have just equalled that with Inception. Her curiosity mixed with her intelligence makes for a character that can counter Cobb’s intense obsessions and personal demons. Though if you really want to see her act, I’d reccomend The Tracey Fragments. Don’t ask me what it’s about. I have no idea. I’ve seen the film, and I. Have. No. Idea.

    For sheer entertainment value, my standout is Tom Hardy (L4yer Cake, Marie Antoinette), who plays the shapeshifting Eames. If you’ve seen the film, I don’t need to say why. If you’ve not, what the hell are you waiting for?! let me direct you to the film’s trailer. As Joseph Gordon Levitt’s Arthur shoots at assailants with a semi-automatic weapon, Tom Hardy’s Eames taps him on the shoulder and states in his cool, smooth accent “You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling”. And with that said, he pulls out a grenade launcher.

    Badass.

    Oh, quick blurb before I continue. Hans Zimmer’s score is fantastic. Just watch the trailer and listen how that one repeated chord resonates with you. I’m still hearing it as I type this. Thwonggggg! Brilliant.

    Written and directed by Christopher Nolan, the film has some telltale signs of who was behind the camera. Starting with the film’s poster that shows DiCaprio staring down a city street with buildings on either side of him. The poster is eerily similiar to 2008’s Dark Knight poster, which boasted Heath Ledger’s Joker doing the same. Also, Nolan has a penchant for reusing actors. In this film, he gives us Micheal Caine as a kind of.. mentor to Cobb. Caine has been in both of Nolan’s Batman flicks, as well as The Prestige. And if you think Inception had a confusing ending? Watch The Prestige.

    Though Nolan’s recycling of actors may just pay off. Rumor has it that Gordon-Levitt is the man to watch, as he may be portraying the Riddler in Nolan’s upcoming Batman project.

    So riddle me this… Was Inception good? No. It was great. All the elements came together like a dream. And I didn’t want to wake up.

    Your Dreamy Eyed, Daydreaming dreamboat,

    Terrance Crawford

    1 year ago  /  0 notes

  5. I just saw… THE A-TEAM “Aw… Hell yeah, Hannibal! This is it right here!” says Corporal Bosco “B.A” Baracus as he looks over his A-Team boss’s newest plan. Aw… Hell yeah, indeed. It’s really one of the few phrases that can sum up this film, as it was the phrase that I was saying about every five minutes. To myself, of course. I’m not THAT kind of moviegoer. The Plot of The A-Team revolves around a group of four Iraq War Army Rangers and veterans who must go on the lam and prove their innocence after they are court martialed, dishonorably discharged, and break out of prison. And along the way they shoot, blow up, and crash anything they can get their hands on. And it’s freaking awesome every time. I’d love to say more, but I’m not the kind of reviewer who gives away details. Bruce Willis is dead the whole time, Primo Sparrazza is Buddy Israel’s father, and my personal favorite, there is no Keyser Soze. The movie, based on the 1983 show of the same name, provides a thrill a minute and, following Iron Man 2 is the perfect summer film. In fact, I’d go as far to say that  A-Team was better than Iron Man 2. If only I weren’t so crazily obsessed with Robert Downey Jr. and my Marvel Comics movies. Funnily, halfway through, I found myself contemplating who had directed the film, settling on Joe Carnahan, who had directed another personal favorite of mine, Smokin’ Aces. I was surprised when my guess turned out to be correct. But to my pleasure, it seems that Carnahan has grown as a director. While Aces seemed like it was influenced a lot by the work of Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Resevoir Dogs, Kill Bill), A-Team stands on it’s own. It’s good to see a director who knows how to do explosions without losing a story and throwing in racist robots. Lookin’ at you, Michael Bay. Liam Neeson heads up the cast as Hannibal, a character he brings humor and ruggedness to. I can’t say that I knew much about Neeson’s career before I saw this film. When I was little, I remember that Next of Kin used to be on all the time, but other than that I knew him only from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Batman Begins, and yelling RELEASE THE KRAAAAKENNNN! on my TV for about a month when Clash of the Titans came out. I also knew that spelling his name backwards resulted in “No Seen Mail”. However, his performance as Hannibal, the A-Team’s man with a plan may inspire me to watch some of his other films. He was nominated for an Academy Award in 1993 for Schindler’s List, but lost out to Tom Hanks’ performance in Philadelphia. So soon after the tragic death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, Neeson’s turn as cigar-chomping Hannibal should garner him some sort of accolade. Bradley Cooper was easily likeable as Lieutenant Templeton “Faceman” Peck. “Face”, as he’s referred to for most of the film is the team playboy and , though it’s never directly stated, seems to be the protege of Hannibal. While he was upstaged by Zack Galifinakis in the Hangover, he’s a brilliant actor. I think this is the first role after The Hangover that he gets to do a decent amount of acting. He gets to play goofy, yet his scenes with Jessica Biel are actually suprisingly interesting. Jessica Biel plays Captain Charisa Sosa, who spends most of the film chasing down the A-Team and flirting/fighting with Face. Well, he flirts, she fights. Boy, I’ve been there, Face. Sosa’s referred to by her last name throughout the entire film, which I thought was really cool. She’s just Captain Sosa, and you’d better do what she says. No one takes into account that she’s hot as hell. I’ve loved Jessica Biel for a long time, and this film kinda just cemented. Come on, how could you not love her after I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry? And if by some miracle that didn’t get to you, you had to love her after she won the Holy Grail of Hot at the 2010 Spike Guy’s Choice Awards, walked right up to the microphone and began her speech. “Thanks! Thank you! And guys? I think about you too when I… Ahem. Entertain myself.” Marry me. I’m just glad that she’s grown up so freaking sexy hot gorgeous beautiful well, and she’s not that little girl from 7th Heaven anymore. Because, let’s face it. That was getting boring to masturbate to. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson actually was very decent as B.A. I actually liked him a whole lot and don’t understand what everyone’s problem with him was. Those who fancy themselves movie reviewers (I mean, I do. But in the cool way) are forgetting some key factors. First of all, “Rampage” is a wrestler. Or a boxer. Or an MMA fighter. Hold on, let me do some research. First of all, “Rampage” is a wrestler. And how many great wrestling actors have we had? John Cena? Ha! Chris Jericho? Chortle! With the exception of Dwayne “I Will Never Call You Dwayne Johnson, Dwanye ‘The Rock’ Johnson” Johnson, I struggle to think of ANY good wrestling actors. And the only reason Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson makes the list is because I liked him in Be Cool and Race to Witch Mountain. Secondly, this is his first movie and he’s acting against veterans like Liam Neeson. And any first timer is going to pale in comparison. It’s like putting Justin Bieber next to Robert Downey Jr. Of course, that would be putting polar talent opposites next to each other and the world would blow up, but still. Third, do you remember Mr. T’s turn as B.A? He was no two time Academy Award nominated Robert Downey Jr. either! Mostly, he went around with big chains, and big facial hair, feeling bad for those who were foolish. Two actors deserve special accolades, but before I get to them, I have to give an honorable mention to Brian Bloom, who played Pike. He brought a certain sense of humor to his villainy, especially in a scene where, tired of incompetence, he instructs a CIA agent on how to shoot him. But the hands down best part of the film is Sharlto Copley’s portrayol of Captain “Howling Mad” Murdock. The only way to describe Murdock is that he’s… insane. And not “Oh, dude! Were you at that party last night? Matt was insane!” No. I mean, hanging onto a helicopter blade and singing “Right Round” insane. The crazed laughter as he dodges missiles or looking out the window wearing 3D glasses and shouting “Guys! You gotta see this in 3D! It’s like we’re ACTUALLY being shot at!”. Rumor has it that Copely used to hide a tape recorder behind the TV when The A-Team was on, and then listen to the tape when his parents thought he was asleep. My second accolade goes to Patrick Wilson (Lakeview Terrace, Watchmen) who’s turn as CIA Agent Lynch was perfect in almost every fashion. The way that he infused humor into his lines as he chased the A-Team around the world made him an interesting character, even when you weren’t sure what his big plan was. All in all, I’m sitting on the edge of my seat for a sequel. Hey, A-Team producers Stephen J. Cannell, Lee Cleary, Jules Daly, Ross Fanger, Ridley Scott (Really? Cool), Tony Scott, Spike Seldin, Marc Silvestri, Iain Smith, and Alex Young! Why don’t you aim for a summer 2012 release? Right behind Star Trek 2 and eclipsing the Spider-Man reboot, because I heard it was essentially going to be Twilight with webs. You can use those webs to hang every nerdy fanboy like myself. Just consider it guys. The film’s promotional poster boasts the phrase “There Is No Plan B”. Which was just fine with me, because Plan A kicked ass. And I love it when a plan comes together. If you have a problem… If no one else can help… And if you can find him… Maybe you can hire… Terrance Crawford

    I just saw… THE A-TEAM

    “Aw… Hell yeah, Hannibal! This is it right here!” says Corporal Bosco “B.A” Baracus as he looks over his A-Team boss’s newest plan. Aw… Hell yeah, indeed. It’s really one of the few phrases that can sum up this film, as it was the phrase that I was saying about every five minutes. To myself, of course. I’m not THAT kind of moviegoer.

    The Plot of The A-Team revolves around a group of four Iraq War Army Rangers and veterans who must go on the lam and prove their innocence after they are court martialed, dishonorably discharged, and break out of prison. And along the way they shoot, blow up, and crash anything they can get their hands on. And it’s freaking awesome every time. I’d love to say more, but I’m not the kind of reviewer who gives away details. Bruce Willis is dead the whole time, Primo Sparrazza is Buddy Israel’s father, and my personal favorite, there is no Keyser Soze.

    The movie, based on the 1983 show of the same name, provides a thrill a minute and, following Iron Man 2 is the perfect summer film. In fact, I’d go as far to say that  A-Team was better than Iron Man 2. If only I weren’t so crazily obsessed with Robert Downey Jr. and my Marvel Comics movies. Funnily, halfway through, I found myself contemplating who had directed the film, settling on Joe Carnahan, who had directed another personal favorite of mine, Smokin’ Aces. I was surprised when my guess turned out to be correct. But to my pleasure, it seems that Carnahan has grown as a director. While Aces seemed like it was influenced a lot by the work of Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Resevoir Dogs, Kill Bill), A-Team stands on it’s own. It’s good to see a director who knows how to do explosions without losing a story and throwing in racist robots. Lookin’ at you, Michael Bay.

    Liam Neeson heads up the cast as Hannibal, a character he brings humor and ruggedness to. I can’t say that I knew much about Neeson’s career before I saw this film. When I was little, I remember that Next of Kin used to be on all the time, but other than that I knew him only from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Batman Begins, and yelling RELEASE THE KRAAAAKENNNN! on my TV for about a month when Clash of the Titans came out. I also knew that spelling his name backwards resulted in “No Seen Mail”. However, his performance as Hannibal, the A-Team’s man with a plan may inspire me to watch some of his other films. He was nominated for an Academy Award in 1993 for Schindler’s List, but lost out to Tom Hanks’ performance in Philadelphia. So soon after the tragic death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, Neeson’s turn as cigar-chomping Hannibal should garner him some sort of accolade.

    Bradley Cooper was easily likeable as Lieutenant Templeton “Faceman” Peck. “Face”, as he’s referred to for most of the film is the team playboy and , though it’s never directly stated, seems to be the protege of Hannibal. While he was upstaged by Zack Galifinakis in the Hangover, he’s a brilliant actor. I think this is the first role after The Hangover that he gets to do a decent amount of acting. He gets to play goofy, yet his scenes with Jessica Biel are actually suprisingly interesting.

    Jessica Biel plays Captain Charisa Sosa, who spends most of the film chasing down the A-Team and flirting/fighting with Face. Well, he flirts, she fights. Boy, I’ve been there, Face. Sosa’s referred to by her last name throughout the entire film, which I thought was really cool. She’s just Captain Sosa, and you’d better do what she says. No one takes into account that she’s hot as hell.

    I’ve loved Jessica Biel for a long time, and this film kinda just cemented. Come on, how could you not love her after I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry? And if by some miracle that didn’t get to you, you had to love her after she won the Holy Grail of Hot at the 2010 Spike Guy’s Choice Awards, walked right up to the microphone and began her speech. “Thanks! Thank you! And guys? I think about you too when I… Ahem. Entertain myself.”

    Marry me.

    I’m just glad that she’s grown up so freaking sexy hot gorgeous beautiful well, and she’s not that little girl from 7th Heaven anymore. Because, let’s face it. That was getting boring to masturbate to.

    Quinton “Rampage” Jackson actually was very decent as B.A. I actually liked him a whole lot and don’t understand what everyone’s problem with him was. Those who fancy themselves movie reviewers (I mean, I do. But in the cool way) are forgetting some key factors. First of all, “Rampage” is a wrestler. Or a boxer. Or an MMA fighter. Hold on, let me do some research.

    First of all, “Rampage” is a wrestler. And how many great wrestling actors have we had? John Cena? Ha! Chris Jericho? Chortle! With the exception of Dwayne “I Will Never Call You Dwayne Johnson, Dwanye ‘The Rock’ Johnson” Johnson, I struggle to think of ANY good wrestling actors. And the only reason Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson makes the list is because I liked him in Be Cool and Race to Witch Mountain.

    Secondly, this is his first movie and he’s acting against veterans like Liam Neeson. And any first timer is going to pale in comparison. It’s like putting Justin Bieber next to Robert Downey Jr. Of course, that would be putting polar talent opposites next to each other and the world would blow up, but still.

    Third, do you remember Mr. T’s turn as B.A? He was no two time Academy Award nominated Robert Downey Jr. either! Mostly, he went around with big chains, and big facial hair, feeling bad for those who were foolish.

    Two actors deserve special accolades, but before I get to them, I have to give an honorable mention to Brian Bloom, who played Pike. He brought a certain sense of humor to his villainy, especially in a scene where, tired of incompetence, he instructs a CIA agent on how to shoot him.

    But the hands down best part of the film is Sharlto Copley’s portrayol of Captain “Howling Mad” Murdock. The only way to describe Murdock is that he’s… insane. And not “Oh, dude! Were you at that party last night? Matt was insane!” No. I mean, hanging onto a helicopter blade and singing “Right Round” insane. The crazed laughter as he dodges missiles or looking out the window wearing 3D glasses and shouting “Guys! You gotta see this in 3D! It’s like we’re ACTUALLY being shot at!”. Rumor has it that Copely used to hide a tape recorder behind the TV when The A-Team was on, and then listen to the tape when his parents thought he was asleep.

    My second accolade goes to Patrick Wilson (Lakeview Terrace, Watchmen) who’s turn as CIA Agent Lynch was perfect in almost every fashion. The way that he infused humor into his lines as he chased the A-Team around the world made him an interesting character, even when you weren’t sure what his big plan was.

    All in all, I’m sitting on the edge of my seat for a sequel. Hey, A-Team producers Stephen J. Cannell, Lee Cleary, Jules Daly, Ross Fanger, Ridley Scott (Really? Cool), Tony Scott, Spike Seldin, Marc Silvestri, Iain Smith, and Alex Young! Why don’t you aim for a summer 2012 release? Right behind Star Trek 2 and eclipsing the Spider-Man reboot, because I heard it was essentially going to be Twilight with webs. You can use those webs to hang every nerdy fanboy like myself. Just consider it guys.

    The film’s promotional poster boasts the phrase “There Is No Plan B”. Which was just fine with me, because Plan A kicked ass. And I love it when a plan comes together.

    If you have a problem…

    If no one else can help…

    And if you can find him…

    Maybe you can hire…

    Terrance Crawford

    1 year ago  /  2 notes

  6. I just saw… DISASTER MOVIE Disaster Movie is an 88 minute horror-fest that intends to spoof every movie that came out between 2006 and 2008. It’s also a reminder why once the Wayans Brothers left, this genre should have died out. Let’s just take a look, shall we? The Wayans Brothers were present for 2000’s “Scary Movie” and 2001’s “Scary Movie 2”. They were NOT present for “Date Movie”, “Epic Movie”, or “Disaster Movie”. Do you see what I mean? The plot of this film revolves around a group of attractive twenty-somethings, who inexplicably start experiencing natural disasters in their town. In their fruitless search for help, shelter, protection, or whatever they are looking for, they come across pop culture references including Iron Man, the Hulk, Hellboy, Batman, and others. The film stars, and I use that word loosely, Matt Lanter, Kim Kardashian, and Vanessa Manillo. Carmen Electra, Kardashian, and Manillo are displayed prominently on the film’s DVD cover and on the main menu, but one of these characters is killed in an uninspired deus ex machina, while the other is in one scene, and then is never shown again. The rest of the cast is… spectacularly forgettable. Gary “G.Thang” Johnson plays Calvin, the best friend and token black guy to Matt Lanter’s Will. Nicole Parker (the mildly attractive one from MadTV? Yeah, her) plays everyone that they will let her, as do fellow MadTV alumni Ike Barinholtz and Crista Flanagan. While they made me laugh when I was twelve and was hooked on MadTV because I hadn’t yet discovered Saturday Night Live, it was painful to see them degraded so in this film. Nicole Parker played the Enchanted Princess, Amy Winehouse, and Jessica Simpson. Crista Flanagan played Juney (a contrived parody of Juno) as well as Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. Ike Barinholtz really stole the show though. Oh, how I wished he had stolen it and taken it far, far, away. Barinholtz graced us by portraying “American Gladiator“‘s Wolf, “There Will Be Blood“‘s Javier Bardeem, a police officer, Hellboy, Batman, Beowulf, and Prince Caspian. Now, I know you’re probably wondering how all of these characters and others such as Hancock, Speed Racer, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and the gals from Sex and the City all fit together in one cohesive story. The answer? They don’t. Disaster Movie tries to be a film that pokes fun at a genre. Instead it comes off as a forced, unfunny, and juvenile film that is only funny because it pathetically makes fun of itself. There are hundreds upon hundreds of starving actors out there, and the fact that this film had to double and triple cast actors because even the starving no-names wouldn’t touch it, is a testament to it’s awfulness. The sad thing about this film is not only that the High School Musical segment was my favorite part— yes, you heard me correctly,— but that it tries so hard to poke fun at things and celebrities that didn’t need to be made fun of. Yes, Amy Winehouse will be fun to joke about until she sobers up. I mean, if she sobers up. And I suppose it was acceptable to make Michael Jackson/chimp/little boy jokes in 2008, when this film was released. But so many things they tried just weren’t funny because I’d seen the originals, and liked them better. Amy Adams’ performance in Enchanted was delightful, and a refreshing change of pace. It was probably the first thing that Disney had done in ages that I thought deserved a standing ovation. After that, Disney bought out Marvel, so I’m still waiting to see how that goes. It made Amy Adams’ a household name, something that even her 2005 Academy Award Nomination for Junebug failed to do. And now she’s my favorite actress. Crista Flanagan tried to speak like Ellen Page did in Juno, but it didn’t flow as naturally as it did from Ellen Page. Also, when Page did it, it was fun and fresh. When Flanagan did it, she had to frequently explain her jokes. If they have to be explained more than twice… They AREN’T funny. Will Smith did excellent as Hancock, Robert Downey Jr. was downright phenomenal as Iron Man, Edward Norton was stupendous as Bruce Banner, Ron Perlman was brilliant as Hellboy and Christian Bale has been the best Batman yet, possibly excluding Adam West. So why did Disaster Movie try to be funny by dropping cows on these people? Don’t ask me.  And how does this film end? I couldn’t tell you, but everything works out fine, of course. I got the DVD from Netflix, and I credit divine intervention for getting me a disc that skips about three minutes after a tasteless tranny joke. The film ends with the two main characters Will and Amy (Lanters and Manillo) getting married in a tedious parody of The Love Guru. As we go to credits, we are treated subjected to a three minute and eighteen second song called “I’m Fucking…” which is an obvious parody of Sarah Silverman’s “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” and Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck”. The song takes us back through the film to show us all the character’s we’d repressed forgotten, such as Kung Fu Panda, Justin Timberlake parody man, Calvin Klein model, Flava Flav parody man, and of course Tony Cox’s Indiana Jones All in all, this movie wasn’t just “Not good”, it was straight up BAD. Think about it. Flava Flav didn’t even appear in this film, and he was on Flavor of Love. All three of them. (Editor’s note: Gonorrhea does not have a flavor). In a little while, I will be recieving Meet the Spartans from Netflix. I can only pray it’s half as bad and twice as bearable Your Friendly Neighborhood Movie Critic, Terrance Crawford 

    I just saw… DISASTER MOVIE

    Disaster Movie is an 88 minute horror-fest that intends to spoof every movie that came out between 2006 and 2008. It’s also a reminder why once the Wayans Brothers left, this genre should have died out. Let’s just take a look, shall we? The Wayans Brothers were present for 2000’s “Scary Movie” and 2001’s “Scary Movie 2”. They were NOT present for “Date Movie”, “Epic Movie”, or “Disaster Movie”. Do you see what I mean?

    The plot of this film revolves around a group of attractive twenty-somethings, who inexplicably start experiencing natural disasters in their town. In their fruitless search for help, shelter, protection, or whatever they are looking for, they come across pop culture references including Iron Man, the Hulk, Hellboy, Batman, and others.

    The film stars, and I use that word loosely, Matt Lanter, Kim Kardashian, and Vanessa Manillo. Carmen Electra, Kardashian, and Manillo are displayed prominently on the film’s DVD cover and on the main menu, but one of these characters is killed in an uninspired deus ex machina, while the other is in one scene, and then is never shown again.

    The rest of the cast is… spectacularly forgettable. Gary “G.Thang” Johnson plays Calvin, the best friend and token black guy to Matt Lanter’s Will. Nicole Parker (the mildly attractive one from MadTV? Yeah, her) plays everyone that they will let her, as do fellow MadTV alumni Ike Barinholtz and Crista Flanagan. While they made me laugh when I was twelve and was hooked on MadTV because I hadn’t yet discovered Saturday Night Live, it was painful to see them degraded so in this film.

    Nicole Parker played the Enchanted Princess, Amy Winehouse, and Jessica Simpson. Crista Flanagan played Juney (a contrived parody of Juno) as well as Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. Ike Barinholtz really stole the show though. Oh, how I wished he had stolen it and taken it far, far, away. Barinholtz graced us by portraying “American Gladiator“‘s Wolf, “There Will Be Blood“‘s Javier Bardeem, a police officer, Hellboy, Batman, Beowulf, and Prince Caspian.

    Now, I know you’re probably wondering how all of these characters and others such as Hancock, Speed Racer, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and the gals from Sex and the City all fit together in one cohesive story. The answer? They don’t. Disaster Movie tries to be a film that pokes fun at a genre. Instead it comes off as a forced, unfunny, and juvenile film that is only funny because it pathetically makes fun of itself. There are hundreds upon hundreds of starving actors out there, and the fact that this film had to double and triple cast actors because even the starving no-names wouldn’t touch it, is a testament to it’s awfulness.

    The sad thing about this film is not only that the High School Musical segment was my favorite part— yes, you heard me correctly,— but that it tries so hard to poke fun at things and celebrities that didn’t need to be made fun of. Yes, Amy Winehouse will be fun to joke about until she sobers up. I mean, if she sobers up. And I suppose it was acceptable to make Michael Jackson/chimp/little boy jokes in 2008, when this film was released. But so many things they tried just weren’t funny because I’d seen the originals, and liked them better.

    Amy Adams’ performance in Enchanted was delightful, and a refreshing change of pace. It was probably the first thing that Disney had done in ages that I thought deserved a standing ovation. After that, Disney bought out Marvel, so I’m still waiting to see how that goes. It made Amy Adams’ a household name, something that even her 2005 Academy Award Nomination for Junebug failed to do. And now she’s my favorite actress. Crista Flanagan tried to speak like Ellen Page did in Juno, but it didn’t flow as naturally as it did from Ellen Page. Also, when Page did it, it was fun and fresh. When Flanagan did it, she had to frequently explain her jokes. If they have to be explained more than twice… They AREN’T funny.

    Will Smith did excellent as Hancock, Robert Downey Jr. was downright phenomenal as Iron Man, Edward Norton was stupendous as Bruce Banner, Ron Perlman was brilliant as Hellboy and Christian Bale has been the best Batman yet, possibly excluding Adam West. So why did Disaster Movie try to be funny by dropping cows on these people? Don’t ask me. 

    And how does this film end? I couldn’t tell you, but everything works out fine, of course. I got the DVD from Netflix, and I credit divine intervention for getting me a disc that skips about three minutes after a tasteless tranny joke. The film ends with the two main characters Will and Amy (Lanters and Manillo) getting married in a tedious parody of The Love Guru. As we go to credits, we are treated subjected to a three minute and eighteen second song called “I’m Fucking…” which is an obvious parody of Sarah Silverman’s “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” and Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck”. The song takes us back through the film to show us all the character’s we’d repressed forgotten, such as Kung Fu Panda, Justin Timberlake parody man, Calvin Klein model, Flava Flav parody man, and of course Tony Cox’s Indiana Jones

    All in all, this movie wasn’t just “Not good”, it was straight up BAD. Think about it. Flava Flav didn’t even appear in this film, and he was on Flavor of Love. All three of them. (Editor’s note: Gonorrhea does not have a flavor). In a little while, I will be recieving Meet the Spartans from Netflix. I can only pray it’s half as bad and twice as bearable

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Movie Critic,

    Terrance Crawford 

    1 year ago  /  0 notes